Size 10 = too fat for China.

So.

This past weekend in China, Chongqing, had been less than stellar, and after I got home and re-told the stories of distain, my friends all encouraged me to cheer up; after all I was heading to Fujian on Friday to get my 10 day tour, pearl necklace and of course the enviable fame…however, seeing as though I hadn’t heard from the organizers in 4 days and the the event was soon approaching (friday..) I didn’t have a good feeling in my gut about Fujian; actually after hearing on a daily basis, multiple times, that I was “real big” or being told time and time again that stores didn’t carry my size, I was beginning to think that Fujian also ‘didn’t have my size’ and that I would be axed from the competition.  When my friends asked about how long, where, when, how, etc. of the Fujian trip; I told them I didn’t have a good feeling about it and that I thought I was going to get a phone call saying I was too fat to be in the event.  They all thought I was ridiculous…until this morning. I opened my email and had received an email from the event organizer…

Dear Brenna,
I am not willing but I regret to note you that, for some reason, you can't
enter the grand final and award ceremony. But if possible, would you please
email me your phisical address. We have prepared a gift of Pearls, and would
like to express mail to you.

I must say thank you so much for your involvement. I was so touched by your
words for Fujian. And feel sad for the news for you. This final shortlists
were decided by the local tourist administration out of my control.

If you visit Beijing, please call me at 131 6424 9933. I hope next year you
will have chance to join our tour to Tulou. I am planning for that.

Regards

Robert

So he didn’t outright say it (yet…); but right after I send them my measurement for the dresses I get this email saying I’m out, I can read between the lines.  And you know, when people think I’m fat in China, I take offense; I do. I really really do.  The first time I came to China, I was fat.  Hands down, I’m not denying that, I knew it, I know it.  But now?  Now I am size 10.  I am 5’10” and happy with me.I trained for three years with an multi-time Olympian, I have done more bikes sprints in that time than anyone could bear to do in their life time.  I have gone through fitness testing that put me above, my smaller team mates; I may not be a model size 2, but I don’t want to be.  I have a younger sister who needs someone to look up to; actually a generation of young women who need to see strong, healthy women who are happy with their appearance, who are proud of their bodies.  Sure, if I dropped ten pounds I would be ecstatic, but if I don’t I still think I’m beautiful.  Beautiful.  Not just pretty okay, or acceptable, but beautiful.

This morning when I read that email I was disappointed, I was angry, I was sad.  I felt embarrassed because I would have to tell you that I wasn’t going to the beauty pageant any more because some Chinese Tourism Administrators didn’t think I fit the mold of beautiful, even though the public voted me in the top 10.  Even though they originally thought I was pretty enough from my pictures, to tell me I was coming, and then only after seeing that I don’t have a 25” waist that I could no longer come.  I was, I am, mostly angry because they still can’t see beauty the way I see it; the way the world should see it.  I am angry because after years of thinking I wasn’t really good enough, I wasn’t really pretty enough, I have come to accept my shape as beautiful, and I really, truly believe it, and after coming to the realization that I am beautiful, having someone come and tell me; just kidding, you’re not.  You’re too fat to be beautiful. Is like a kick in the stomach. 

So I told my friends, they were pissed off; I told my family, my mom reminded me I should’ve expected it, after all remember my first time in China in Fujian where people bought me slimming tea and commented daily on my weight, then I reminded her, that was 50 pounds and 5 years ago; right here, right now, I’m not fat and it really rubs me the wrong way that people think that I need to slim down here in China.  Anyways.  I told them and then my friend Merrill called and asked if she could write the organizers an email; I said of course…(but still thought; we’re in China, I know how things work; nothing will change…)

Two hours later I checked my email and saw a new message from Robert, the event organizer…

Dear Ms. Merrill Wasser and Brenna,

I am so sorry for the change.  I can fully understand Brenna. As the
organizer for Fujian Tulou Scenic Spot Administration, I hope I can make up
something for Brenna.

Let me explain the reasons. At the begining, We put Brenna in shortlists,
because this event isn't like professional model contest, body measurement
is not a key in our event. But when our dress sponsor finally got her body
measurement last Friday(We fax Brenna's size to the them last Friday). The
dress company said they don't have such size of dress. And at the same time.
the host of the event told us that the final award ceremony is part of the
singing concert and CCTV will broadcast. They say while 9 other contestants
who have same dress and Brenna have not the same dress (if Brenna come, we
have to prepare a different dress). that will be no good for the stage.  And
they advise us to change a new contestant.

It is a hard decision. I hadn't been ready for that to refuse Brenna when I
got an email message from Brenna(in codes that my PC can't read). But I
think I shall tell her immedially the change and I wrote her yesterday after
I respond to Brenna's email. I feel it hurts for any one, including me as
one of the organizers.

Dear Brenna,
Please accept my apology.  And I now sincerely invite you to still join our
trip this time. I will try my best to arrange eveything. I am flying from
Beijing to Xiamen on Dec. 4 2009.

I know you fly from Kunming. If you confirm to join, please email me your
full name on passport and passport number, so that I can book your two-way
air tickets and hotels and local travel.

I hope I can still have chance to go into cooperation with you in future
travel content writing, I know you have many China travel experience and
have a lot to share. My company is in the startup status, we got very bad
business for online booking this year. But I am trying to find new invesment
to pull through and I think the travel business will be better next year.

Regards
Robert Zhang
The Organizer of Miss Fujian Tulou Competition Event
8610-858953309 13164249933

  okay.  so it actually worked. Oh wow.

So. I tell all my friends I’m going, and start getting excited again, start writing this blog and figuring out what I’m going to pack and relieved that I actually get to go, although still pissed off that they judged me from my ‘fat’ body but decide I need to go there and prove myself, for all the non-stick-thin girls out there…and then I get a phone call right in the middle of writing this; after already replying to Robert, telling him my passport number and such so he can arrange my tickets, and it’s Robert.  He just told me haha.  I’m really not going this time; it’s too late to change the plans.  I’m out. 

So.  to summarize.  First I was in.  Then I got “too fat” and was out.  Then they apologized and I was back in.  Then half an hour later; I’m back out.

----

Dear Fujian.

I have a new favourite province; Yunnan.  Whenever anyone asks me where to go in China I will whole heartedly say YUNNAN. 

Next time I come to Fujian, I hope I see some of you organizers and I will kick you in the stomach.  Then you will most likely wink at me, like most Chinese men here do, probably because I’m beautiful, and wish that I had come to your stupid competition. 

I hope all your top ten beauties turn out to be hideous in real life and that your CCTV competition turns out to be a total flop; because that is what you deserve.

I forgive you.

 

-Brenna.