So. How's life?

 

How is life?  A simple question with a complicated answer. 

My usual answer is “could be better, could be worse…you know…”

I know that life most definitely could be worse; I could be buried under a pile of rubble in the aftermath of an earthquake, I could be jobless, homeless, or hungry, I could be diagnosed with a terrible, incurable disease or find myself wallowing in a pit of self despair; thankfully I am not.

At the same time, I struggle daily with where I am now. 

This transition period between student and professional is by no means an easy one.  I am bombarded with suggestions from friends, family, and strangers daily.  I am bombarded with societal pressures on what I should be doing, where I should be doing it, and how I should be going about it.  I feel as though I am perpetually looking for something that cannot be found.  Honestly, I don’t even know what I am looking for.

For the past seven months I have been searching, searching for a job whose title I don’t know, for a city to call home, for relationships that will fulfill the desires of my heart.  For these months I have searched and researched for countless hours, I have written cover letter after cover letter, resume after resume, I have put my passions on paper only to be rejected time after time.  Today I am not one step closer to the something I am blindly looking for.  Frankly, it’s tiring. 

Life for me, right now, feels aimless, feels daunting, feels out of my hands.  I feel that I am not even close to where I want to be, but have done more than I could have dreamed possible.  I feel scared.  I feel alone. I feel worried but hopeful.  It’s not bad, but it could be better.  It’s not great, but it could be worse.  It’s more than the three word answer you were expecting.  I wish I knew the answer to the question.  I wish I knew I the question.